Kinunot: Shark with Coconut Milk Recipe for YOUR Mega-Mouth!

by Leonard OK OK - so Filipino fishermen caught a rare species of shark and went ahead and ate it, probably with a cold San Miguel too. Well, what's done is done - so you may as well know what all the fuss was about! *Picture a group of Filipino fishermen with fat bellies and toothpicks hanging out of their mouths saying "Whua? What'd I do?*

ay, sheit!  were we not supposed to cook that?

Kinunot is a Bicolano delicacy usually made with Manta Ray (pagi), but also Shark (pating). Take it from me, it's YUM-MY! If you're a fan of Laing or anything with Coconut Milk (gata), you'll probably like Kinunot. Now, we're not saying go out and catch an endangered species of shark and cook it up with your friends at a party, but if you DO happen to find yourself with a bigass shark in your possession, you'd better at least know how to prepare it right.

How to Make Kinunot NOT from an Endangered Shark INGREDIENTS:

1 kg of Shark - What the heck you do with the other 999kg I don't know (DO I HEAR TOWN FIESTA!?!?) 3 Coconuts - Because you've got a lovely bunch of Coconuts. 10 Lemons - Add some sour power. 3 Cups Malunggay Leaves - Good luck finding this unless you live in the Philippines. Maybe you can settle for Spinach or Rapini. 10 Chili Peppers - But please... hold the Anthony Kiedis and Flea. Salt and Pepper to taste - UNH! Push it REAL GOOD. 2 tbsp. coconut oil - Because you can never have too much Coconut. 1 cup chopped onions - Don't Cry For Me Argentina! DIRECTIONS:

1. Prepare a large pot by placing the not-at-all endangered shark or with just enough of water to cover the meat. Make sure the large pot is on the stove in the dirty kitchen at the back of the house just in case those Greenpeace guys show up.

2. Bring to a boil and take out the shark meat and dispose the foul hot water. And while you're at it, dispose of the huge-ass shark bones and any other evidence. I mean organic waste.

3. Squeeze all the lemon juice into a bowl. Meanwhile, let the fish cool off. And let the World Wildlife Fund people cool off.

4. Flake the fish from its bones and set aside. Then dig a hole, a very deep hole, and carry the huge-ass shark bones and set aside. In the hole. Cover the hole.

5. Prepare the grated coconut by mixing a cup of lukewarm water and pressing it with both hands, pouring the cream to the prepared bowl, then set aside. Look over your shoulder, the eco-people are coming.

6. In a hot pan, put 2 tablespoons of coconut oil, then saute the garlic and onions until golden brown. The smell of the sautee-ing garlic and onions should throw the eco-investigators off your trail. If they show up, just tell them you are cooking any other Filipino dish because they all have sauteed garlic and onion. If they get too close, throw some raw chicken, vinegar and kikkoman into the pan and say you're just cooking adobo.

7. Place the flaked fish and the lemon juice in the pot (if you can find kalamansi, thats even more legit), then let it cook for another 10 minutes. Call the rest of the townspeople and start cooking the rice.

8. Add the pressed grated coconut cream, the malunggay leaves and the chilies and let it simmer for another 10 minutes until the dish is almost dry. Start saying grace now in order to save time. NANDARPARDET. AMEN.

9. Serve your Shark Kinunot hot on a dish with heaps of steaming rice.

10. Wipe your mouth and deny that you ever saw a 13ft Mega-Mouth Shark, which weighed 1,100lb (500kg), and had been tagged Megamouth 41 by the Florida Museum of Natural History. (Maybe they thought the tag said "MEGA MALL").

** this post is to be taken with a grain of salt. and a little bit of pepper.